The Final Talk: Mar. 23
Talk of the Town: Dealing with billfold curses and delicious, cryptic death threats by Mark LaFlamme
Is the word 'paranoia'?
Well, here it is 2025 and I STILL don't know what Wordle is. All my friends seem to be playing it, but just like back in the day, they never invite me to play along. In fact, I'm starting to suspect Wordle is just some cryptic code people are using to talk smack about me on Facebook. Clearly they had to resort to a new system after I cracked the Sudoku code back in 2015.
New wallet
For the first time in maybe 12 years, I have purchased a new wallet, which always leaves me in a turmoil of superstitious dread. Changing wallets can also change a man's luck, so I go into this move warily. What's worse, I also changed from tri-fold to bi-fold, which is really the wallet version of Russian roulette. Chances are good that my life is about to go to the dogs.
Words matter
Why does nobody call a wallet a "billfold" anymore? For that matter, why are men's pants no longer called "trousers" and whatever happened to the word "dungarees?"
You want a what now?
Welp, my current wife just came in and said she wants to go out for a Dubai Cup at Marvelous Macarons, which I'm pretty sure is more code for a thinly veiled death threat. See what I mean? Change wallet styles and suddenly you have to sleep with one eye open.
It really bothers me
Why is there only one O in "macaron?" Isn't it pronounced "MAK-a-roon"? If it's not, it should be. I have spoken.
More omens from above
The night I bought the new wallet, I happened to be standing out in the driveway at 2 a.m. and when I looked up, the moon had gone a dark, gauzy red. I thought for sure this heavenly sign marked the arrival of the dreaded billfold curse and I was about to burn the wallet on a pyre in my backyard, as required by prophecy. Then I noticed that roughly 300 of my closest Facebook friends had posted photos of this blood moon on their pages and like that, the curse was lifted.
Bob In, weave out
My talented colleague Amy Calder wrote a cool column recently about the trashy old Waterville bar known as the Bob In. I was going to write a response to that column with thoughts of my own but when I reviewed my memories from the place . . . Well, long story short, no. I won't be writing about that.
Gimme a break
Did I just write 90% of this column about a new wallet? Clearly, my head ain't right and I really should take a vacation.
Goodbye, farewell and amen
By the way, I'm off on vacation starting tomorrow, so you people will have to find other sources for your wallet curse, Wordle trash talk and dungaree fashion news for a little while.
